I’d like to introduce a new word into the vocabulary of my readers. The word will be used in future columns I’m sure, so don’t lose focus. The word is: Jerry-atric. No, not the study of medicine geared toward the elderly. I’m referring to the constant theatrics surrounding Jerry Jones and his Dallas Cowboys. It’s never uncommon to have a new storyline each day that started with Jerry. In the 1990’s it was the signing of Deion Sanders and hiring Barry Switzer fresh off of his couch, completely unfamiliar with the NFL. In the present day, fans read and hear stories about Tony Romo’s love interests and Jerry’s new stadium videoboard.

All this brings up the revival of an old term: America’s Team. I know, I know, I just made every non-Cowboys fan (and even some Cowboys fans) cringe, but hear me out. I’m not referring to America’s Team as the consensus team everyone roots for, but more so the team none of us can get away from. Every move from Valley Ranch is followed under a microscope, and no one is immune. At one point last season, Ed Werder was camped outside Valley Ranch waiting to break the latest news on a supposed “rift” in the locker room between Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens. In a 1996 book, Skip Bayless, living in Dallas at the time, speculated that Troy Aikman was gay, a claim that was baseless.

The fact is, whether you like the Cowboys or not, you generally know what is going on with them. Nearly everyone recognizes the Cowboys, fans and non-fans of football alike. For some, playing a game of “Cowboys and Indians” refers to the street football game going on after school in which one team pretends to be the Cowboys and the other their hated rivals, the Redskins. Beyond all else, everyone has an opinion; when an issue arises, people take sides, and rarely is there a middle ground. It’s the essence of sports; after all, I’ve always felt sports are the best reality television there is. Not feeling my drift? Put on your thinking cap for a moment and try to follow along with me.

In sports, you get all the emotion you would see on your favorite reality show. You have the conflicts and resolutions, such as when Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora walked out of practice after a yet-to-be-identified argument with his defensive coordinator. Umenyiora later returned to the facility, apologizing for his conduct. You have the golden boy (Tom Brady), the attention-freak (Terrell Owens), and even the disgruntled participant (well, there are a lot of these, but Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall come to mind first). As Colin Cowherd has said repeatedly, people love a superstar. Why else would we buy apparel for our favorite team(s)?

So, with all this in mind, I’m finally brought to my whole reason for this long-winded column: the most recent “Jerry-atrics” going on in the NFL. As I’m sure most fans are aware, a Tennessee Titans (backup) punter was able to successfully hit the scoreboard (which I think may be as large as a small country) during a preseason game. ESPN has made the story into a national crisis. If one didn’t know better, you would think that every game at the new stadium will be tainted because of the scoreboard. The common question is something to the effect of, “Why didn’t Jerry Jones do the appropriate research into how high a punt would go?” The answer? Well, it isn’t exactly that simple. Put on your thinking cap again.

First off, the NFL mandates that hanging structures must be placed at 85 feet or above. Now, something tells me there had to be some basis for coming up with this exact number. Now, as the new stadium was going up, why would a savvy businessman such as Jones waste research and development money to find out something the NFL has seemingly already established? If I were in his position, I would do the very same thing. Let’s not forget, the board is placed at 90 feet, 5 feet above the required height. Also, contrary to some of the ESPN blogs, punters really won’t have much of an issue with it. If a punter is in position to boom a punt straight up 30 yards at the board, they have no business in the NFL; that is to say that if a guy actually does that, he’ll end up giving the ball up to the opponent with excellent field position. Will anyone hit it in regulation? Maybe, but I don’t think it will affect the outcome of games. To be clear, I think it should be raised a little and left that way if the reported plans to raise it for a concert are true. It makes sense and Jerry Jones will have covered his bases, despite the fact that he loves the publicity it gets his new pride and joy.

Even ESPN’s John Clayton, often a voice of logic (hence the nickname “the Professor”), got in on the Jerry bash-fest: “What I'd like to see is a visiting quarterback hit the scoreboard with 30 seconds remaining and no timeouts and see if he can get a dead-ball ruling that is mandated for punts that hit the scoreboard. The quarterback can do this by rolling out of the pocket and firing the ball at the scoreboard. As long as he is outside the pocket and the ball is past the line of scrimmage, there can't be any intentional grounding calls. In fact, would it not be out of line for a team with no timeouts to just throw to hit the scoreboard after each first down to reset the clock. If the scoreboard costs the Cowboys a chance to win a home game, you'll see how embarrassing the result will be.” Yeah, just fire it… straight up… 30 yards. Let’s get a visual here. Just imagine the first regular season game at Cowboys Stadium, when the Giants come into town. Eli Manning takes the snap, gets a quick read, sees that no one is open, so he rolls out of the pocket, looks straight up, winds up, heaves the ball up, and as he releases, “CRACK”…. That would be the sound of a defender ending his career via spinal damage because he was defenseless and looking straight up. I’d like you to name me a quarterback willing to risk so much just to get a “do-over” on a play? I can’t think of one sane person. That doesn’t even mention the possibility presented if a guy attempted and missed the scoreboard completely. It’s a sure-fire interception as the entire defense waits below for the ball to float down into their arms, and the quarterback is the newest attraction at Jerryworld as well as the punchline to countless jokes. Either way, said quarterback would get a handwritten letter from Jerry Jones welcoming him to the Jerry-atric Club. If I had to guess, it would look something like this:

“Dear (insert name of brainless quarterback),

I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you as the newest member of the Jerry-atric Club. Your performance in my new stadium has forever cemented you in the memories of all NFL fans, and you won’t be forgotten. I apologize for any inconvenience my video-board may have caused you in the form of physical pain or embarrassment you may be feeling right now. Feel free to come visit the stadium again sometime!

Yours Truly,

Jerry Jones

P.S. You might want to contact V8 and see if they would be willing to sponsor a vegetable."

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